Georgians - Marriage and Family



Marriage. Marriages are initiated by the groom's side, but require the eventual consent of both young people and both families. A boy in love may simply ask a girl to marry him, then tell his parents. More often, a young man's female relatives arrange for him to meet potential brides on various pretexts, then open formal negotiations. If the bride and her family consent, the groom or one of his relatives brings a gold watch or ring as a sign of betrothal. The two families feel bound to help each other because they will share the same grandchildren. A bride should be a virgin, a good worker, and have done well in school; the groom's family should offer a reasonable standard of living and not be difficult to get along with. Ideally, the two families should be of the same class and region. Divorce was unusual in Georgia, but is now increasing. A divorced woman's family is supportive, but it is hard for her to remarry.

On the wedding day, the groom and his best man drink a glass of wine in the bride's house, then drive off with the bride and her bridesmaid for the civil ceremony. This is often accompanied, even today, by a service in church with an exchange of rings. At the threshold of the groom's house, the groom's mother gives him a plate to break under his foot (in another variant of this practice, the bride and groom compete to be the first to crush the plate; this is believed to be indicative of who will have the upper hand during their married life). Then both bride and groom are offered wine and something sweet. The couple preside as "king" ( mepe ) and "queen" ( dedopali ) at a lavish banquet of toasts, with singing and dancing for up to three days. In some areas the bride and groom are expected to sit with lowered eyes and eat little. In villages, the morning after the wedding the bride is asked to sweep the courtyard and fetch water from the spring, where other women come to greet her. A new wife is treated kindly and given only light work to do; in return she does not show too much how much she misses her family. The husband's relatives call her "little daughter-in-law" ( p'at'ardzali ) until she has had her first child; only then is the marriage considered consummated. A Georgian man still sometimes abducts his bride, nearly always with her tacit consent. Urban Georgians will run off together to another town, then return in a week to tell their parents. In rural areas, the groom and a few friends bring the bride first to one of the groom's paternal relatives' houses and then to his own. The groom's family quickly swallow their surprise and rally behind him; the bride's family are very angry, particularly her brothers. Intermediaries then try to calm the bride's family and win their consent to the usual marriage banquet. Once a man and woman are known to have spent the night together, it is assumed that they have had sex and so must marry. Thus the bride's family always eventually relents, and the birth of a child heals remaining hard feelings.

Domestic Unit. Two to four generations usually eat together and share the same house or courtyard. Large families are considered fortunate. Traditionally, the oldest man heads the household, supervises other men's work, and has the final say in all matters; he therefore tends to reserve his opinions. The oldest woman manages the house's money and food, apportions work among other women, and has the largest hand in arranging her children's jobs and marriages. When a young couple marries and has children, however, their own small family is understood to become their primary focus. Georgians usually marry in their twenties and have two or three children; they hope for at least one son. New mothers take a year's maternity leave; after that the grandmother often stays with the children while the parents work. Husbands and wives avoid displaying affection openly; brothers and sisters are typically very close. The men and women of a family have a sense of gender solidarity, but do not keep separate from each other.

Georgians have a strong, sacred tradition of family hospitality. A household marks weddings, funerals, birthdays, holidays, or the arrival of any guest with a ritual banquet (supra). The supra may be a banquet for hundreds or just two friends sitting and talking, but it shows a family's honor and prosperity. The table is spread with rich and beautifully arranged food. The host, or an older man with authority and eloquence, raises a glass of wine and begins to lead the table in certain standard toasts, as well as some of his own invention. Guests elaborate each toast in turn, growing gradually drunker and more sentimental. Standard toasts are to the house, to parents, to children, to siblings, to the reason for gathering, to each of the people present, to women, to the departed, and finally, to "the holiest of all" ( q'ovelta ts'minda ) an epithet originally referring to the Virgin Mary). Strangers learn about each other's lives; enemies must find something kind to say about each other. Older women may participate fully, but younger women keep quiet and concentrate on serving food.

Inheritance. A family's house and land are common property; even after a man dies his married sons and their wives prefer to live together. In villages, a family that grows too large builds houses nearby for the older sons and leaves the old house to the youngest son and the grandparents; other property is divided equally. Women may inherit land, especially if they live in the village and head households; otherwise the property reverts up the patriline. Old people often distribute their property before they die to forestall arguments. In the highlands, a woman used to have a personal fund of land, stock, jewelry, or linens, which passed to her daughters.

Socialization. Georgians believe people learn slowly, with age, experience, and good teachers. Babies and small children receive much love and attention from all their relatives. They are encouraged to do things for themselves, not to wander away or cry too much, to know how the other gender behaves, and to be polite to elders. When a child misbehaves he or she is not punished severely, but is considered to be still learning. Until recently, schoolchildren were taught a Soviet version of history and morals with which their parents usually did not agree, but were afraid to question too openly. Without being told explicitly, a child learned to read between the lines of official publications and not to speak of family business to strangers.

Older children usually act as their parents would wish, without needing to be told. By around age 15, children take a considerable share of the household work, and by age 20 they and their parents start thinking about future careers and spouses. Young men had been required to spend two years in the Soviet army, but many managed to bribe their way out or simply never reported. For children of the intelligentsia, the years at university, especially the general exams, are the great rite of passage. All young people are considered prone to strong emotions of love, jealousy, and anger, which temper when they marry. For both men and women, becoming a parent, and then a grandparent, are felt to be life's happiest, most important achievements.


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